The month has been interesting weather wise so far. We came in, in the upper 90s, but now in the morning, we are looking at 50! 😲

This week food wise has been decent for me. I’ve been pretty on track with the exception of a cupcake yesterday and a few graham crackers. Hooray! It’s refreshing packing food, and not stressing about what I’m eating. Monday, I did have a big ass taco salad from the bar my company owns, it was WORTH IT. It put me up in weight on Tuesday @ 284.5 with water weight. This morning (Thursday) I leveled at a steady 278.4. I try not to have guilt when actually choosing the wrong thing. I have a binge eating disorder as I stated before, but I’m still making progress. I may be just gaining and losing the same few pounds, but I’m still heading in the right direction!

On another note, I want to add that i don’t want this to just be weight loss related. I want to talk about family, and the things that I’m excited about that are coming up!

Waylon is getting so big, he’s 3, and oh so smart. He amazes me daily by some of the things that he says. He is so sweet but he’s also stubborn like my husband. A 3 year old gets so exited about things that I wish I got excited for. When I tell him it’s bath time; he gets so excited and says “I wanna take a bath, I’m diiiirty”. He’s the sweetest little thing. Bath time is a great time with him splashing everywhere and intentionally getting me wet. 😂

Things coming up soon:

Family photos- I’m super exited about this because we haven’t had photos done since Waylon was 6 weeks old! 😭❤️ we have all changed so much. I will show a photo after we get them back 😍

We have officially reached Friday. The topic of today is going to be binge eating. The past week I have been eating on plan minus a few little treats here and there. I did have some goldfish yesterday, an ice cream sandwich, and a bite size candy bar. The reason I want to touch on binge eating is because I feel like if you don’t have a problem with binge eating you don’t really understand what those of us with binge eating disorders really go through.  Today after I binge ate, I started googling things about binging. One of the things I found is there is actually a disorder called B. E. D. Coincidentally, one of the ways they treat this binge eating disorder is by using a drug called Vyvanese. The weird part about this is this is the fact that my brother was actually on this medication for ADHD. Not only do they use this amphetamine to treat childhood and adult ADHD, they also use it to treat binge eating disorders.

I started reading packet that comes with the drug. One of the interesting things that I found on the insert of the drug packet was that there are a lot of side effects. One of the side effects of taking this drug is weight-loss. That’s not a bad side effect for me but if you think about what it actually does to your body when you are on the drug, it is a little bit concerning. from from what I understand with reading the information about the drug and the treatment, it sounds to me like the drug speeds up your heart rate a little bit and it also helps to reroute their neurons in your brain to help the way you think about things.

I am not opposed to taking medication daily for things of the meds will help me, but I also don’t want to be on medications that have severe side effects. The medicine can cause strokes and other terrible things. Being overweight I already have side effects that could potential he affect me even though I currently have no significant medical issues. I just wanted to throw it out there if you do struggle with an eating disorder, I do too. Except mines one that people mostly refuse to talk about. Adults get embarrassed and rarely seek help for binge eating. People that aren’t binge eaters don’t understand the fact that your mind tells you to binge even if you’re not hungry. Even if you’ve just eaten. Even if it’s 10pm at night and you’re about to go to bed. In total today, I’m sure I’ve eaten over 3000 calories. Embarrassed? Most definitely. Did I consider purging?? Yes. I didn’t have a stomach ache this time, but I’m so so embarrassed. I’m angry. Mainly at myself for allowing this to happen. My friends don’t have these issues. Why do I?

I am not trying to play the poor me card, but I also haven’t synced help before because I know the cost of this. Most times before a medication is administered and you have to have a blood panel run. The blood panel cost money along with the monthly cost of medications, and go ahead and add that to any type of psychological help that they end up asking you to go to. Binge eating is a disorder of the mind, which means psychiatry is often recommended. I live on a budget like most people that I know and I honestly have a hard time making this a priority for myself. As sad as that may sound, I don’t want to spend the money on myself. If there was something that I knew for sure can help me I would be willing to try it but the simple fact that we don’t know how our bodies will react to certain medications. Another one of the side effects and I just thought about was sleeplessness. There’s also potential for stroke and heart attack. Those are just scary things that I’m not sure I am willing to sacrifice to try medication. Obviously I don’t know if my medicine would even be prescribed to me but just the idea of it is freaking me out. My appointment I believe is on October 21. I am assuming they will probably ask to run a blood panel on me again and that also completely freaks me out. I don’t want them to run a blood panel on me mainly because I’m afraid of what they may find out. What if I have something wrong with me that I didn’t already know about?  What I don’t know won’t hurt me right?

Sorry for the ramble, if you’ve made it this far, you’re the real MVP. Please reach out if you struggle with an eating disorder. I feel very alienated, and it’s mostly my fault, but it never seems like people have the same issues as i do.

So today was pretty much a normal day. I woke up and got ready, packed my lunch, and I went to work. The last few days, I’ve had to go a different route to work because my normal route had road construction. I haven’t been able to go to the gym in the morning this week, even though I have been wanting to, because Zach has picked up a few shifts on third. That means he doesn’t get off until 630-ish a.m., and I don’t have time to go to the gym since I work at 7. Since I kind of started fresh again this week, I wanted to go to the gym to make sure I was exercising and eating healthy.

I just kind of wanted to reiterate the fact that just because you are watching people do different diets/fads, you don’t have to follow them. There are so many different ways that you can eat and still lose weight. Some people do keto, some people do low-carb, some people do all the carbs. It is still possible to lose weight if you eat things in moderation. I’m not saying that you have to count your calories if you don’t want to. I don’t like counting calories, points, or macros. Excuse the bad spelling I’m using a voice to text because it’s easier than trying to type everything. My point is just that this life is not a one size fits all.

We can’t all fit into a certain mold. We are all different with different experiences and backgrounds. Somethings that we learn in childhood are hard coded into us. I did a podcast with my friend Willie Gillis. He’s one of my favorite people on the gram and I talk to him often. It’s nice to know that he and I both struggle with re-gain and eating problems. Most people cannot really relate to the things that I think about when it comes to food, but Willie gets me. 

Talking about regain is actually really scary to me. I have regained before. At one point in my journey years ago I started at 310 pounds and got down to 265. I felt good in my skin for once and I was looking like a dream… LOL. Not really, but I was confident. Life happened. A huge break up… moving, bills, and more stress, and I gained. At the time gaining didn’t really matter to me I was more concerned with drinking, smoking cigarettes, and eating all the food. These things all helped me cope and feel better about what was going on. Honestly they just turned out to be a Band-Aid. Drinking only helps for the night and the next day you feel like shit and all your problems are still there. Although going out ended up being fine most of the time, money also became a factor. It costs money to buy cigarettes to chain smoke, and to go out multiple nights on the weekend. Re-gain happens, and you aren’t a bad person because you gain weight. Life happens and it’s stressful.

I just started thinking about things on my drive home and realize that just because some people do low sugar diet or low-carb diets or high protein … it doesn’t mean you have to do that.  Recently some of my friends in one of the accountability groups that I’m in on Facebook started doing a no sugar challenge. I decided that I’m going to participate, but if I have a little bit of sugar, it’s not the end of the world. I’ve been doing what I can so far this week, and I’m actually pretty proud of myself. Last night Zach ate a Reese’s pumpkin and offered me one but I declined. Who am I?

I just want everyone to know that may read this blog but you don’t have to define yourself as a certain way. You don’t have to be keto. You don’t have to fit yourself into the keto lifestyle. You can just eat the Vanessa way. Your own way. You don’t have to identify as something if that makes sense. You know how you’re eating but you don’t have to fit it into some mold to describe it to someone else. I’m generally a positive person but for some reason it seems like lately I’ve fallen into old habits of feeling like shit.

Just because I am an optimist doesn’t mean I don’t start thinking negatively about myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t have days where I have self-doubt or self-confidence issues. Just because I look happy a lot doesn’t mean I actually am. I like to share the real in the raw but sometimes I just don’t have words for the way I feel. It’s hard to define feelings sometimes and you just think of what the closest feeling is to what you were actually feeling and sometimes it isn’t really what you feel… It’s hard to describe I guess. Just know that life is hard for all of us and just because you are going through a struggle doesn’t mean someone else’s struggle is any less hard. We all have different perceptions of things. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember what it was like before I had a child. I always think that people without kids have life so easy. Sometimes their lives really aren’t easy. Sometimes they have medical problems themselves or they have a sick parent. Anyway I think this is going into another topic and I kind of feel like I’m starting to ramble.

I just don’t want anyone to ever feel like what they’re doing is wrong. Your perception of things is really what makes things right or wrong. I’m talking about food here, so don’t misconstrue this. Technically it’s probably wrong to eat strictly sugar and carbs and drink soda all the time. Although you may not gain weight it’s still probably not good for your body. Fuel your body right. We only get one body.

Anyway, I am Outtie. ✌🏽 

But first, look how cute the shirt is!



Tuesdays are for starting fresh at the gym. It’s been about 3 weeks or so since I’ve worked out at the gym. I got burnt out from doing weeks of early morning gym sessions and staying up late with my family. Its easy to sleep in instead of going in for a nice sweat session. My friend Crystal @reducedfatmomma on Instagram talks about how the gym is her therapy. She is one of my favorite people that I’ve met thus far on my weight loss journey. She just “gets” me. One of the things she mentions in her stories on Instagram is that she will crank up her music and just cry, sing along, or even dance to the music while she’s working out at Planet Fitness. I admire her because I don’t have the balls to do that. I don’t reaaaaally care what others think, but I guess in a way I do. I don’t want to draw any attention to myself as people probably already look at me as it is.

The gym has been a scary place for me. Anxiety has always played a part in my life, and it’s shown its head at the gym before. I’m just always thinking “What if”. What if someone says I’m doing a move wrong? What if someone is using equipment that I go over and start using? Will they be mad at me? I’ve kind of gotten to the point now where I will turn up my music loud, and just do me. I will ignore everyone else in the gym. Not to be rude, but just to avoid feeling anxious, I just try to do my own thing and don’t spend a lot of time looking around anymore. I’m comfortable, but I’m not going out of my way on the floor to chat with people. Honestly, most of the people have headphones in anyway.

When I first started going to the gym in January, I was strictly doing cardio. I was walking or running on the treadmill, doing the bike, elliptical, and even the stair master. The reason behind all this was basically attributed to my anxiety. I was talking to my friend Kyleigh back in July I think, and she asked me why I never lift weights. Honestly, the reason I didn’t lift weights at Planet Fitness was basically because I was afraid that I’d be doing it wrong and someone would point it out. I was afraid of the “what if’s”. I was freaked out that I’d hurt myself because it had been a while since I’d lifted weights. See, I’d gone to the gym before, probably back in 2011. I had a personal trainer for 24 sessions. I learned TONS of moves, but my issue during that time was that I didn’t stick with my food. I worked out 3 times a week with a trainer, but I only lost 10 lbs during that period because my food was not on point. I remember when I was over in Bloomington I started working out with a friend. He and I would meet at 4 AM and first I would run 3 miles, then we would lift weights. I dropped weight and felt so much stronger. My muscles were more defined, and I was feeling like the hulk!

My journey has been up and down since I started trying to lose weight 8 years ago. I’ve dropped 50 lbs just to gain 80. I’m currently sitting right around 278, which is still way more than I want to be, but I started at 350 this time, so I can’t really complain. Losing weight has empowered me. I feel so much stronger, and healthier. I didn’t have any health problems when I really picked back up in October of 2018. It’s been almost a year, and I was 326 on October 26 last year. My goal by this time next month is to be at 260 lbs. It’s a hefty goal, but I feel as though if I keep my head down and keep rocking it, I will reach it with no issues. I’m not planning to do anything crazy like withhold calories, or not eat, or even restrict carbs. I’m going to eat like I have been this week. I’ve been eating proteins, carbs, healthy fats, and even dairy. One thing however, I will not be eating, is Fiber One Soft Baked Bars. I bought the birthday cake flavored bars and they’ve been hurting my poor belly.

I think I may have talked before about my St Jude run. So in August I ran 9 miles in one day for St Jude. I raised over 1200 for St Jude which is absolutely amazing. Childhood cancer hasn’t directly affected, but it has affected a lot of people around me, and my empathetic heart really hurts for people. I found a page on facebook for this sweet little boy named Lincoln. 2 years ago he was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. Which is heartbreaking in and of itself. He seemed to be doing so well and he quickly fell into a comatose state, and is now in hospice. I am just completely heartbroken. I also have a few close friends that have children with special needs.  It breaks my heart when they have tough days, and I wish I could take the pain away from them. My son is normal physically and mentally labeled as normal, and some days I feel guilty. I feel guilty getting so emotional over things when I really “don’t know what I’m upset about” I just put myself in their shoes, and it completely breaks my heart.

Today at the gym, I ran for sweet little Lincoln. I found strength in my pain and rain for 2 minutes straight… on the treadmill. His momma is holding him. She has been for hours now because she doesn’t want to miss the moment Jesus grabs his hand. She would beat herself up if she happened to miss that moment that he takes the last breath that she will ever see.

This blog is a way to get my feelings out of my mind and onto “paper” and I’m thankful that I have this release. No one reads this so it’s nice to just be able to spit some things out.  Life is hard. Death is hard. You are allowed to be sad, but remember you have to get back up and keep going. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. <3.  Until next time.

-V

The struggle. 

 

The struggle has been real lately with food choices. Normally, when I’m “on track” I feel so much better. My clothes fit better, my wedding band is looser, and my face feels thinner. When I eat things that I don’t normally… IE Fast food… it makes me bloated and retain tons of water. I get really upset with myself for making poor choices. Where would I be if I didn’t give up? I feel like I’ll never get to a healthy weight because I keep back sliding. Yesterday on Instagram I updated my friends with the shit I’ve been going through. Work is stressful, I’ve been helping my family move, trying to keep up with house stuff myself. I have plans for literally every weekend in September. From baby showers to weddings to Waylon’s birthday party. It will be very chaotic and stressful.

 

Labor Day will be fun because I’m running a race in the morning. I will be running one called Bridge to Bridge. This challenge is totally going to be a tough one for me. I ran over 9 miles back at the beginning of August. It was tough but doable. This race consists of running between two cities. Peoria and East Peoria. It’s the toughest 4-mile race between two cities. You have to run over a bridge, and then back over to come back to the finish. It’s going to be very challenging. I’m excited though to push my limits.

 

My food has been another story. I want to eat healthy and then it feels like something just drags me off track. I don’t want to feel defeated daily after I eat something “off plan”. I ended up eating literally almost ALL fast food last week, or this week? The days all run together. I went from being 274 pounds almost at my lowest to being back all the way up to 282.3. I’m completely disgusted with myself for looking so bloated and full of salt. I try to stay out of the comparison trap where I’m comparing myself to others, but sometimes it’s motivating to see people succeeding. Other times, it’s overwhelming knowing how far I am from them. My best friend Kyleigh is way down from me weight wise, and she’s doing well sticking to her plan. When she happens to be off, she gets back on quickly. She makes her goals bigger than her excuses to “cheat” and remembers what’s important to her. I wish I could be more like that. I’ve had issues with binge eating ever since I can remember. Last Sunday when I went to McDonalds for Zach, I ordered food from myself. I NEVER do that. I am normally one to eat at home and stay away from fast food. I ordered 2 mcgriddles and had sausage gravy to dip it in and ate like 3 hash browns. I’m upset with myself for backsliding. I’m up in weight. I weighed in today around 279.9, which is better than where I was, but it takes a while to get this weight off.

 

It will all be okay, it always is, I just feel like this is a safe place to vent and explain my frustrations and not have to answer directly to someone. I’m happy that I don’t have to tell anyone these things. It turns out that anytime my opinion differs from someone else’s they talk about “You’re not off track” and that just frustrates me… Like YES I am off track. No I can’t eat fast food sometimes, because I have no FUCKING self-control. I can’t have a coach help me because they give me too much leeway. I’m an all or nothing person and when I’m on it, I’m fucking on it, when I’m not… I’m fucking off the rails……

 

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TedTalk. #MicDrop

A word defined from Webster’s dictionary meaning: one attached to another by affection or esteem. I don’t have many honestly. The ones I do have, have become distant over the years. Things change when you marry and have children. It seems that paths differ and you eventually seem to just drift apart. People that you knew and loved become strangers. Strangers that you have memories with, but that don’t even care to check up on you.

Lately though, I’ve seemed to find people on Instagram who are like me. Some personality wise, and others that are completely different but that have weight loss in common. My mind lately has been off and on with my weight loss, But I’ve had a few friends who really have tried getting to know me and being more than just an “online friend”. Over the weekend my friend who I’ve been taking to since last November came down to hang out with me!! It was awesome to see her in person and she was the exact same person online and over FaceTime. It’s nice having people on similar journeys and you can join heads and compare things that have and haven’t worked for both of you. Kyleigh has always been supportive and I’m just in awe oh her. She’s so inspiring, and I’d consider her my “Bestie for the Restie” ❤️

It’s fun getting to be yourself with your friend for a few hours without worrying about who is judging you. It was fun working out together! We went on a long walk(that was supposed to be a run) and then went and lifted weights at the gym! So awesome. 👊🏼

It comes down to the fact that true friends are hard to come by, so make sure you’re a good friend yourself.

I sit here snuggling my little guy while he watches a movie on the iPad. I just keep thinking, what will it take to really kick my mind into over drive and lose all this weight? What will be my breaking point to really take it back to basics and stop sabotaging myself? Why do I do this?

I’ve eaten okay for the past few days and no fast food for like 2 weeks, but I still feel like I always struggle. I’m always somehow thinking about food, eating, or what I’m going to eat next. I just want to not care and figure it out when I get there. I always have a plan and never go hungry. Binge eating really is a disorder that affects more people than I thought. Binging and purging wasn’t ever my thing but binging and regret was.

This sweet face… why isn’t he enough? Why can’t he be my reason? I so badly want to say he’s my reason and he saved my life, but apparently he isn’t “important” enough to be the reason I change. I love him with everything I am, but the move apparently isn’t enough to change.

I’ve lost almost 80 lbs from the largest I’ve been, but I’m still fighting daily. When does this get easier? Will it ever? I’m in a good mental space, just find myself wishing I was closer to my goal. I’m fucking proud of myself, it’s not that. I think I’m on the right track right now. Cheers to tomorrow being Tuesday!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

A few people lately have encouraged me to start a blog. I won’t pretend to be the best blog writer. My work at times may be sloppy, and all over the place. I feel that the beauty of sharing your journey, is that yours may never be like anyone else’s. I will share my thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. If you’re looking for someone to keep it real, you’ve come to the right place. In general I’m a realist, but overall an optimist. Thanks for coming by, hope you stay a while.